


driven to distraction

by bellafarallones



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (but Stone Sex because it's fantasy), Alternate Universe - Royalty, Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), M/M, Masturbation, Paperwork, Phone Sex, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), horny AND comedic, inappropriate use of zone of truth, kravitz apprehends him breaking into the palace, nobody dies except kravitz's dignity, taako thinks the raven queen arrested lup and barry for necromancy, wacky misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:21:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26516623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellafarallones/pseuds/bellafarallones
Summary: They had reached a heavy iron door, and Kravitz withdrew a ring of keys from his pocket and unlocked it.“I didn’t even get to eat any of the party food,” said Taako sadly, starting down a set of stone stairs. “Those canapes looked delicious.”That got Kravitz to look at him. “I’ll have some sent down for you,” he said finally.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

Getting in had been an easy thing - all Taako had to do was walk confidently and look like he belonged - but a quick scan of the crowd told him his next step would be more difficult. 

Lup and Barry weren’t here, and all the doors out of the ballroom were guarded. 

The Raven Queen took a hardline stance on necromancy. Lup and Barry had never been very good at reigning in their academic curiosity. And three days ago they’d left for the palace, having received an official invitation to meet with the queen, and they’d never come back.

That’s why Taako, Merle, and Magnus had snuck into the palace. To get their friends back. Taako had posed as a guest at the ball, Magnus had dressed as a servant, and Merle had wandered into the garden, claiming he’d figure things out as he went along. 

Well, Taako figured he may as well have a good time while he was here.

The Raven Queen, in her black dress and feathered cloak, sat on a dais at the front of the ballroom, and knots of well-dressed people swirled around tables of food and drink. A full orchestra next to a clear space for dancing dominated one side of the room. 

He knew he looked amazing: a one-piece jumper with a belt, the legs wide and swishy enough that the whole thing looked like a skirt at a distance, and a shawl over his shoulders.

He was scrutinizing a table of food, out of both hunger and professional curiosity, when he became aware of someone at his shoulder. Standing next to him was quite possibly the most handsome man he’d ever seen. 

“Hello,” said Taako. “Hail and well met.”

“I don’t believe we’ve been introduced,” said the stranger. He was one of the few party guests dressed to match the queen, in all black save for a dark red tie. 

“I’m Taako, from New Elfington.” Taako was pretty confident no noble would dare to say “wait, that’s not a real place” for fear of causing offense. 

“Kravitz. Pleasure to meet you. Would you, ah, care to dance?” 

“Y’know what? I think I would.” 

Kravitz led him onto the edge of the dance floor and put his hand on Taako’s shoulder. So, he was expecting Taako to lead. Unexpected, but not unwelcome. Taako put his hand on Kravitz’s waist and pulled him a little closer. 

Kravitz turned out to be a good dancer, feet moving easily where Taako led, which made the whole thing much easier. Taako cast around in his brain for something to say.

A quick investigation check showed him the silver raven pin glittering on Kravitz’s lapel, and that the cloak around his shoulders matched the Queen’s. “So how long have you been in the service of the Raven Queen?” Taako ventured. 

Kravitz gave a short laugh. “I was born into it.”

“So she didn’t just hire you because you’re handsome?”

Kravitz smiled, and it was a dazzling thing, certainly insincere but still beautiful. “I do have other skills.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

Kravitz paused for a moment before replying. “Navigating bureaucracy.”

“Sounds like a snore.”

“Tell me about yourself, then. You’re a long way from New Elfington.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to deprive the rest of Faerun of my company.”

“Very generous of you.” Kravitz squeezed Taako’s shoulder.

This guy was looking for a hookup. Taako was sure of it, now. And he was amenable to that. Kravitz was hot, and more importantly, maybe he could be persuaded to give Taako a tour of the palace, or at least serve as a good excuse for Taako to be there after hours. 

“Besides, how else could I have met you?” Taako leaned in a little, reached up to touch his face. 

Kravitz grabbed his wrist. “Not in public,” he murmured, looking down and to the side.

“Oh? You want to go somewhere a little more private?”

“I think that might be for the best, yes.”

Aristocrats could be  _ forward.  _ Taako supposed it came with the territory, always getting what you wanted. He was kind of into it. “Lead the way, hot stuff.”

Kravitz tugged him by the hand off the dance floor, weaving easily through the crowd towards one of the doors off the ballroom. He moved past the guards without hesitation, opened the door, and allowed Taako through in front of him. 

Taako found himself in a dim hallway. The door closed, cutting off the noise of the ball, and when he turned around there was a blade at his throat. “What-”

Kravitz was holding a scythe, which he definitely hadn’t had a minute ago. “Why are you here?” he said calmly.

“I - I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Why’d you crash the Raven Queen’s ball? If you’d been invited, I would have seen you before, and I know I’d remember you. New Elfington isn’t even a real place.”

Taako stayed silent. Kravitz didn’t seem angry. Really, there wasn’t any emotion in his voice at all.

“If I escort you out of the palace, will you try to come back?”

“Almost certainly.” 

“Then I’m placing you under arrest. Come with me. Please don’t make this difficult.” 

Taako nodded. Kravitz pulled the scythe blade back away from Taako’s neck and led him down the hallway away from the ballroom. “Are you taking me to the dungeons?”

“Yes. Just for tonight. I’ll deal with you in the morning.” A group of guards bowed low as Kravitz passed.

“Who  _ are  _ you?” said Taako. Kravitz’s reference to bureaucracy had suggested that he was some low-level cabinet minister, but this level of deference suggested otherwise. “Like, what’s your real job?”

“Don’t play dumb.” Kravitz didn’t even look at him. They had reached a heavy iron door, and Kravitz withdrew a ring of keys from his pocket and unlocked it. 

“I didn’t even get to eat any of the party food,” said Taako sadly, starting down a set of stone stairs. “Those canapes looked  _ delicious _ .”

That got Kravitz to look at him. “I’ll have some sent down for you,” he said finally.

Taako stumbled and felt a strong hand at the back of his shirt, pulling him back. The tips of his ears were suddenly hot. “Uh. Thanks. Real considerate.”

The dungeon was pitch-black, which was ominous, but Kravitz grabbed a torch from a wall sconce in the hallway and lit the burned-out torches along the stairs as they descended. Then he unlocked the first cell at the bottom of the stairs and waved Taako into it. 

There was a mattress on the floor and a bucket in the corner. Not the worst place Taako had ever spent the night, though that wasn’t saying much.

“I’ll send someone down with food,” said Kravitz, not looking up as he relocked the door. “And I’ll see you in the morning. Nothing personal. I’m sure you understand.” And then he was gone.

Taako flopped down on the mattress. Nothing personal. He cursed himself for being so stupid as to think that an actual Adonis would be interested in him. Of course Kravitz would dance and flirt just to get Taako out of the ballroom so he could make an arrest without disrupting the party.

The door at the top of the stairs thunked closed again as Kravitz left. Back to the party. Who  _ was  _ he? 

Well. Taako had been hoping to check the dungeon, anyway. He got up and wrapped his hands around the bars of the cell. “Lup?” he yelled into the darkness. “Barry? It’s me, it’s Taako, I’m here to rescue you!” No response. 

“Anyone? Am I the only person in this goddamn dungeon?” The only sound was the sputtering of the torches on the wall. The air smelled only of damp rock, which, while more pleasant than the alternative, suggested that this wasn’t a heavily-lived-in space.

Taako slumped back on the mattress. His stomach rumbled. Hopefully Kravitz would be true to his word about sending down some food.

He didn’t have to wait long before he heard the door open again and footsteps coming down the stairs. “It’s about time!” he yelled into the darkness.

“ _ Taako?”  _ It was Magnus, dressed in the uniform of a palace servant, with a tray of food and a bulging bag over his shoulder. 

“Magnus? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“The kitchen had to send someone down to the dungeon and I volunteered. What are  _ you  _ doing here?”

“Some guy figured out I was a gate crasher.”

“Shit.”

“I don’t think he knows about you or Merle. You can’t get me out of here, can you?”

“They didn’t give me a key. But I do have food for you, and pillows and blankets and stuff.” Magnus passed the tray of food through the slot in the door and let the overstuffed bag down from his shoulder.

Kravitz had sent down what looked like a complete sampler, canapes and tiny sausages and shrimp skewers and even a miniature frosted cupcake, but Taako didn’t have time to scrutinize it. Magnus was trying to stuff a fluffy pillow through the slot in the door.

“I think I’m the only person here,” said Taako. 

“Yeah, the other servants seemed surprised to hear there was a prisoner,” said Magnus, now passing Taako a fitted sheet and a thick duvet. “It looks like you’ll be comfortable, at least.”

“I didn’t find out where Lup and Barry might be.”

“Well, at least we’ve eliminated the dungeon as a possibility,” said Magnus brightly. “Maybe Merle found something. I haven’t heard from him.”

“He probably didn’t get caught, at least, since he’s not down here. Hey, did you happen to hear who gave the order about bringing food down here?”

“Lord Kravitz. The lady I asked didn’t believe I didn’t know who he was.”

“Shit. Of course I had to run into somebody important.”

“What, how’d he catch you?”

“I was hitting on him. The guy is  _ gorgeous. _ ”

“You sure know how to pick ‘em. Look, I’d better get going, but you’ll be okay down here?”

“Yeah. He promised he’d come back and deal with me in the morning.”

Magnus waggled his eyebrows. “Deal with you, huh? Really get to know you better?”

“Get out.”

“Have fun. I’ll see you when I see you.” Magnus started back up the stairs, and the dungeon door closed behind him, and Taako was alone.

The food was delicious, at least. Taako ate all of it, licking the grease off his fingers, and then dressed the bed with the coverings Magnus had given him. Hopefully wherever Lup and Barry were, they were also being treated with some level of kindness.

Taako put the empty plate on the floor in front of the door, curled up on the bed, and pulled the duvet over his head to block out the torchlight so he could sleep.

It seemed like only a minute later that a crisp voice cut through his sleep. “Good morning.”

Taako groaned. He was half on the mattress, half on the floor, bedclothes tangled around his legs. And Kravitz was standing outside the door. Clearly he wasn’t just a paper-pusher: this morning he was wearing armor. It looked to be magical, too, dark red, glimmering gently, and far more form-fitting than any sensible metal armor would ever be. He had the same feathered cloak as last night around his shoulders, too, and his scythe in his hand.

“Where were you hiding that thing last night?” said Taako.

Kravitz blinked. “It’s soul-bound.”

“Cool.”

“Did you sleep well?” he continued politely, fiddling again with his key ring.

“Eh. I was trying to get with a guy and then he threw me in a dungeon, so overall last night could have been better.”

The cell door swung open. “You can drop the act. I’m going to take you to my office, and we’re gonna have breakfast and talk about what you came here for. I’m sure we can work something out.” 

Taako didn’t know what Kravitz was referring to when he said  _ act _ , but breakfast sounded pretty good. He scrambled to his feet, put his shoes back on, and followed Kravitz out of the cell. “Thanks for the food last night, by the way.” 

“Did you find it to your liking?” 

“Yes, it was excellent.” They were on their third staircase upwards, now, and Taako’s legs had started to burn. Kravitz seemed unmoved by the exertion. Damn, this guy must have strong thighs.

“I’m glad.” Kravitz stopped at an oak door and opened it. “Sit, please.”

Kravitz’s office was far more lived-in than the dungeon had been. A bare window looked out on the city through thick glass. Bookshelves stuffed with books lined the walls, and the broad desk was covered in papers. 

Taako sat down in one of the chairs in front of the desk, and Kravitz sat down behind it. “So. Why did you break into the palace?”

Taako took a deep breath. “I’m looking for my sister and her husband. Three days ago they got an invitation to meet with the queen, left for the palace, and never came back.”

Kravitz furrowed his brow. “Why would the queen have wanted to meet with them?”

“They know a lot about necromancy.”

A knock at the door. “Come in!” called Kravitz, suddenly shoving papers into a pile to clear off space on the desk, and there was Magnus with a tray. 

Magnus’s eyes widened when they met Taako’s, and Taako flashed him a surreptitious thumbs-up. The tray contained coffee, tea, and two plates loaded with bacon and scrambled eggs, along with associated napkins and silverware. 

“Is there anything else I can do for you, my lord?” said Magnus when he’d set the tray on the desk.

“No, thank you,” said Kravitz.

Magnus backed out of the room again, gaze darting between Taako and Kravitz. Taako turned back to the food. All he could hope was that Magnus wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Kravitz had pulled one of the plates off the tray and was stabbing pieces of egg with a fork. “If necromancers were meeting with the queen, I should have been informed.”

“I’m just telling you what I know.” Taako poured most of the coffee pot into a mug and dumped sugar into it. “What is your job title, anyway? You never said.”

Kravitz paused with a forkful of egg halfway to his mouth. “You really don’t know? I thought you were trying to get close to me yesterday because of who I was.”

Taako downed his coffee and refilled it. “Nope. When you asked me to dance, all I knew was your pretty face.”

Kravitz smiled. “I am the Queen’s chief lieutenant against necromantic crimes, but I do all kinds of things.” 

“Damn. So if she’d arrested them for necromancy, you’d know.”

“In general, yes. But she might have a reason for not mentioning this to me, and there’s certainly no harm in asking.”

“You’ll ask the Queen where Lup and Barry are?”

“I was going to take you to ask her yourself.”

“Yes. Please. Thank you.”

Kravitz was halfway through standing up when there was a loud crash, and Taako whipped around. Magnus, still dressed like a servant, had kicked down the door. Merle, holding the Xtreme Teen Bible aloft, was right behind him. “I cast Zone of Truth!”

“Guys!” said Taako. “I had it handled!”

“Tell us,” said Merle to Kravitz, “what you  _ least  _ want us to know.”

Kravitz swayed where he stood, and Taako realized that he hadn’t been able to save from the spell. “What I  _ least  _ want you to know.” His mouth moved silently, and then he made a choking noise, and then he said, very quietly: “Last night I masturbated thinking about Taako.” 

The scythe clattered to the ground as Kravitz clapped both hands over his mouth.

“Merle!” said Taako. “Why the  _ hell  _ would you ask that!”

“I figured it was the best way to find out what we needed to know!”

“Yeah? And how’d that work out for you? I  _ said  _ I had everything handled! He was going to take me to the Queen to ask about Lup and Barry!”

“Magnus told me you were in the dungeon!”

“I’m not anymore!”

“Uh, guys?” said Magnus.

Kravitz was sitting down again, face buried in his hands, sobbing. 

“Get rid of the Zone of Truth,” said Taako. “Now.”

Merle snapped the bible closed. “Alright, if you think your way’s so much better.”

“Hey, Kravitz?” said Taako. “Sorry about that. No more truth-spell. Will you still take us to the Queen?”

Kravitz fumbled under his desk and came up with his face covered by his armor’s matching helmet, through which they couldn’t even make out his eyes. Only the ends of his dreadlocks hung out the back. 

“Yes. Of course.” Kravitz’s voice was hollow, a little muffled through the helmet. He stood up stiffly, retrieved his scythe, and led the way out into the hallway without looking around to see if the others were following.

They didn’t have to go far. Kravitz stopped a few doors down in the same hallway and knocked, ignoring the pair of guards flanking this door. 

“Who is it?” called a voice from within.

“Kravitz, my queen.”

“Come in.” 

Kravitz pushed open the door and stepped into a library. The Raven Queen was sitting on a couch with a book in her lap and a breakfast tray on the table in front of her.

“Kravitz,” she said. “Good morning. What’s with the helmet?” 

“My queen, these people claim that their friends came to the castle three days ago on your invitation and never returned. Did you meet with the necromancers Lup and Barry Bluejeans?”

The Raven Queen laughed. “Lup was right. She told me if I didn’t let her send a letter to her brother he’d do something stupid.”

“Where are they?” demanded Taako from behind Kravitz’s shoulder. 

The Raven Queen called out into the rows of bookshelves. “Lup! Barry! Come here a minute?” 

A man in blue denim pants with thick glasses and a couple of books clutched to his chest emerged from the stacks. “Taako?” he said. “What are  _ you  _ doing here?”

And then Taako was knocked over as Lup crashed into him from behind. “Guess who’s getting a real job, babe!” she yelled into his ear.

Taako smacked her. “Where have you  _ been?” _

“Sitting pretty in the palace, of course. The queen said she’d hire us if we could solve some necromancy problems for her but she wouldn’t let me write to you. As though you could help me cheat.”

“My Queen,” said Kravitz, head turned away from Lup and Taako on the ground. “Explain?”

“I should have known better than to try to hide anything from you, Kravitz,” said the Raven Queen. “It was supposed to be a surprise. You work far too hard, and I was thinking these two could assist you.”

Kravitz tossed his scythe from one hand to the other and back, a gesture at once showy and nervous. “As you wish, my Queen.”

“So that’s why I saw you leaving the ball with that one yesterday?” she continued mildly. “And here I thought you’d finally met someone you liked.”

“Please don’t.”

“We’re almost done, your majesty,” said Barry. “Just need to test a few things. Should be finished by the end of today.”

“Then you shall see your friends again quite soon. Kravitz, will you show the three adventurers out?” 

“Of course, my Queen,” said Kravitz, and turned on his heel. He stalked out of the room without looking back.

Taako disentangled himself from his sister, stumbled to his feet, and jogged after Kravitz. His armor made no sound as he moved, which was honestly unsettling. 

“Hey! Kravitz!” 

“What.”

“You good, man?”

“No.”

“Is it about Zone of Truth?”

Kravitz stopped and turned around to face him, expression still inscrutable through the helmet. “Taako, I - I’m sorry. I want you to know I never would have said something like that of my… own volition. It was totally out of line.”

“I know, homie. It’s okay.”

Kravitz shook his head and started walking again. “And out of nowhere my queen thinks I need help to do my job properly?”

“That’s not what I heard her say.”

“You don’t get it. I don’t need help. I’m good at my job. I don’t usually get  _ humiliated  _ by a two-bit cleric.” They’d reached the front door of the palace now, and Taako turned to see Magnus and Merle looking sheepish half a hallway behind. 

Something occurred to Taako. “You didn’t tell the queen we had broken in.”

“Don’t worry, I still had to fill out three different forms about why I was locking someone in the dungeon.” There was something like good humor in his voice, but through the helmet Taako couldn’t tell for sure. He opened the door when Merle and Magnus caught up. “I’m glad you found your friends. Now, out. I have things to do.”


	2. Chapter 2

Kravitz returned to his office, pulled his helmet off, and slumped behind his desk. His eyes were still red from crying. Which was more humiliating? Saying the most embarrassing and inappropriate thing he’d ever said probably in his  _ life,  _ or crying about it in front of three basically-strangers?

He’d gone back to the party after locking Taako up, stopping along the way only to ask someone to send food and bedding down to the dungeon, but he hadn’t been able to get Taako out of his mind. 

Standing around eating canapes, he felt even more acutely than usual that he was alone. His colleagues gave him a wide berth, and his position at court wasn’t clearly defined enough for members of other aristocratic families to know how to interact with him. 

People looked at Kravitz and saw a man with a scythe, the man who stood at the Raven Queen’s shoulder while she sat on her throne. People feared him, bowed when he passed and stuttered when he addressed them, and it was useful for the work he did, but it wasn’t good for making friends, and he certainly didn’t find deference attractive. 

Taako’s easy confidence had been refreshing. Distracting, frankly. Taako didn’t care who he was. Taako had reached out to touch his face like it was nothing, like he was his already.

Kravitz stayed at the party long enough that the Queen wouldn’t ask him about it in the morning, and then he went to bed. Once he was alone in the darkness, mind drifting, it wasn’t hard to imagine the other liberties Taako might take with his person.

Kravitz was out-of-practice when it came to developing sexual fantasies, and this one came to him in startling fragments: he saw himself on his knees, his cheek against Taako’s thigh, Taako’s hand tugging at his hair, holding him back, making him beg for permission. He felt himself tied to the bed he lay in now, and Taako kneeling above him, smiling, saying  _ good boy  _ and  _ you take me so well.  _

He’d jerked himself off to it and told himself it was okay. He was allowed to think whatever he wanted inside his own head, after all. There was no way this would come back to bite him.

Well. That hadn’t worked out so well. 

Kravitz dug through the filing cabinet under his desk until he found what he was looking for. Form F-11, which he filled out whenever he failed on a mission, which was infrequent. This wasn’t the kind of failure he would have to make an official report of, but a postmortem examination would help him avoid similar errors in the future. 

The first box on the form asked him to describe the circumstances surrounding the failure, which he did with a level of detail reflecting that this particular form would never cross the Raven Queen’s desk. The second box asked what the cost of the failure had been.  _ Personal humiliation _ , he wrote.  _ Loss of possible relationship.  _ He regularly used the word “relationship” to describe colleagues and informants, but here he crossed it out and wrote  _ friendly association  _ instead _.  _

Then there were checkboxes to identify the cause of failure: bad luck, lack of skill, lack of preparation, betrayal. Kravitz checked “lack of preparation.” 

And what would he do differently if this situation came up again?

He had known even then that he would only see Taako one more time. He could have pushed his sexual thoughts off by 24 hours and been safe.

And that Zone of Truth. There was nothing he could do about failing the save, but the question that had been asked,  _ what do you least want us to know _ , left some room for interpretation. He could have come up with another truthful answer if he’d been prepared, if he hadn’t been so shocked by the first response that floated to the surface of his mind. 

He could have said “my social security number.” Or he could have reinterpreted “us” to refer to a group other than the three people standing before him. “Us” could mean every non-Kravitz person in Faerun. “Us” could be all dwarves, or all clerics, and there were different things he didn’t want them to know. 

The final question on the form asked how he would recoup the losses the failure had caused. This Kravitz left blank. He couldn’t imagine himself showing his face in front of Taako again, and could only hope that nobody who’d witnessed his shame would tell anyone, or if they did, that they wouldn’t be believed.

There was a knock on his office door and Kravitz shoved the F-11 form into a drawer. “Come in!”

The Raven Queen stepped inside and closed the door behind her, and Kravitz immediately straightened. She took a seat in front of his desk and looked at him.

“What can I do for you, my Queen?”

“You’re upset.”

Kravitz looked down at his desk. The stacks of paperwork, normally so clear and solid, blurred together. 

“What’s wrong? You hadn’t worn that helmet in so long I half thought you’d lost it.”

“I was… embarrassed, this morning. I didn’t want anyone to see my reaction to it. Failed a save on Zone of Truth and said something inappropriate.”

“Oh, dear. Well. Anyone who casts Zone of Truth knows the risk of hearing things they’d rather not. Anyone I know?”

“No.”

The Raven Queen laughed. “Well, they can’t be too important, then.”

Kravitz looked up at her. “What did I do wrong?”

“What are you talking about?”

“That you think I need help to do my job properly. What am I not doing well enough?”

“Oh, Kravitz. I don’t think you  _ need  _ help. I think you  _ deserve  _ it. Lup and Barry are lovely people; you’ll enjoy working with them. You can think of it as a promotion, if you like. They’ll be under your supervision.”

Kravitz said nothing. He knew intellectually that she wasn’t trying to insult him, and that he worked inhumanely long hours, but it still stung. 

“I have you to help me, don’t I? Does that mean I’m not good at my job?” said the Raven Queen.

“Of course not.”

“What can I do to help you feel better? Because if you need to go through your last seven years of quarterly reports and reaffirm that you’re a good employee, we can do that.”

Kravitz looked into the empty eyes of his helmet, decapitated on his desk. “Can we play chess or something?”

\--

One whole wall of the castle armory was dedicated to scythes, hung on pegs and labeled according to the height of the user. Kravitz recorded his new employees’ names and the sizes they’d chosen in a leather book, wincing when they swished their new scythes a little too close to his ear.

“Are we allowed to decorate these?” said Lup.

“Yes.” Kravitz looked sadly at Lup’s lack of surname: it would cause some headaches in data entry, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that now. 

“Fighting with a scythe doesn’t seem very practical,” said Barry. 

“Aw, you know we could kick ass with a piece of cooked spaghetti! It’s about the  _ look,”  _ said Lup.

“It’s symbolic,” said Kravitz without looking up.

“Sick.”

Kravitz held the door of the armory for Lup and Barry to file out. He’d hoped they’d ask about how exactly a scythe was symbolic, but neither of them did. 

“Are we gonna go fight some necromancers now?” said Lup.

“No. Today I thought we could go through some necrotic artifacts I’ve confiscated over the years.” They reached Kravitz’s office, and Lup and Barry followed his example in leaning his scythe up against the wall. Kravitz sat down at his desk, and gestured Lup and Barry to the chairs in front of it. “You’ll get your own office soon, but for now this should be okay. Which one of you is better at filling out paperwork?”

“He’s better, but I have more experience.” It wasn’t easy to lounge in the straight-backed chairs Kravitz had, but Lup was managing it. 

“I guess you can take turns.” Kravitz moved a battered cardboard box with CONTRABAND scrawled on the side to the top of the desk. “The Queen told me you both have some proficiency with necromancy? I’ll tell you what each artifact is, and one of you can write down what it is, and one of you can remove the enchantment.”

“I’ll take the first turn filling out paperwork,” said Barry. 

“Alright.” Kravitz passed him a ledger and a quill. Then Kravitz drew an object at random out of the box. “Brooch of false life,” he said, turning it over in his hands. “It looks like… six hit points?”

Lup took it from him, and there was a flash of purple flame between her fingers. The stone in the center of the brooch was cracked. 

“Coin of inflict wounds. Up to thirty necrotic damage when touched by anyone other than the creator.” Kravitz laid the gold coin down on the desk.

“And you’re touching it?” said Lup as she waved her hand over the coin to remove the enchantment. 

“My gauntlets grant immunity to necromantic magic,” said Kravitz, indicating his red armor. 

“Good for us to know before we start a fight with you,” said Lup, lightly enough that Kravitz did not take offense.

This was his first chance to get a good look at the people the Raven Queen had hired to assist him. They didn’t seem afraid of him, which was good, and Lup at least was clearly an excellent wizard. Barry looked non-threatening, square face and blue jeans, but Kravitz expected that he was more dangerous than he looked. 

“Amulet of Gentle Repose,” Kravitz identified a blue pendant, then held up a tiny gold rod. “And… I don’t know what this is, but it’s enchanted with Speak with Dead.”

Lup laughed. “That’s a fucking nose ring.”

“Seems impractical,” commented Barry as he wrote it down. “You want to talk to a corpse and you have to go digging through your bag for a nose ring? Or would you keep it in all the time, and just have random dead bodies yelling at you?”

“You’d be surprised at the things people do.” Kravitz pulled out an understated silver ring. “I’m not sensing any necrotic energy off this one.” Then he put it on.

Lup burst out laughing and elbowed Barry, who looked up and snickered.

“What? What happened?”

“Well, for one you put on a ring with an unknown enchantment, which is hilarious in and of itself, but also, my dude. You turned into a skeleton!”

Kravitz rifled through his desk drawer for a mirror. “Ah.” His face had been turned into a skull with glowing red eyes, and looking down, his hands were skeletal. “I’m totally keeping this.”

“What? Also, you keep a hand mirror in your desk?”

“Can you imagine if I arrested a necromancer looking like an  _ actual skeleton?  _ It’d be amazing!” said Kravitz, still admiring his own skeletal face. 

“I can see why my brother keeps asking about you,” said Lup.

Kravitz looked up at her. He’d made it almost the whole day without thinking about Taako. And Lup had the same face, which was currently grinning. 

“He’s single, by the way. In case you didn’t already know.”

\--

Kravitz was in bed with a book of poetry, contemplating the poet’s feelings of resonance with the families who’d lived in his house before him, when his stone of farspeech lit up. 

“Hello?” he said, a little surprised. Nobody ever called him outside of work hours.

“Hey, Kravitz, it’s ya boy Taako.”

“How did you get my frequency?”

“Stole it off Lup. She doesn’t know I’m calling. Just you and me, my pal.” Taako’s speech was slurred.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Are you by yourself? Like, you’re not in some fancy late-night palace meeting, are you? The Raven Queen can’t hear me?”

“Yes, I’m by myself.”

“We should hook up. I’m sure a guy with a job like yours needs a little stress relief once in a while. And I know you’ve thought about me, at least once, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head, and… basically, wanna fuck?”

“You’re drunk.”

“Hell yeah I am. Cold-calling a guy you only met once and asking for his dick is scary. Doesn’t mean I don’t still want you when I’m sober.”

“I think we technically met twice, if you’re counting each day separately.”

“So the next time we meet it’ll be our third date and it’ll be classy.”

“I can’t… sleep with you… when you’re drunk.”

“I won’t be drunk tomorrow night.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes. I think you’re hot.” Taako’s confidence wavered. “Look, you can say no. My feelings aren’t that delicate.”

“Taako - Taako. I do want you.”

“Good. You want me to keep saying dirty things? ‘Cause I got a lot more in the tank.”

“Yes. Please.”

“I wanna know what you thought about.”

“What?”

“You know, when you touched yourself, thinking about me. You imagine anything specific?”

Kravitz breathed in and out. “Yeah.”

“Look, it’s only tangentially my business. But this is your chance to get even. Have me touch myself thinking of you. You wanna hear me come, Kravitz? I promise I do it very prettily.”

“I bet you do.” Kravitz closed his eyes and imagined he was back in his own head, only Taako’s voice in his ear, back where he’d been the first night they met. “I thought about you topping me.”

Taako laughed breathlessly. “Remind me to bring my strap-on if you end up calling me.”

Kravitz’s eyes snapped open. “You have…?”

“Yeah. Don’t have a flesh-dick all attached to me, if that matters to you.”

“Of course not.” Kravitz’s fantasies obediently melted and reformed themselves. “Hey, Taako?”

“Yeah?”

“What’re you wearing?”

“Ah, I’d hoped you’d get into this. I’ve been wearing this lace top all day, and it’s been rubbing against my nipples so they’re all red and sensitive now. Wish I had someone here to kiss it better. My panties have little pink hearts on them. And I’m wearing dark blue shorts. Can I touch myself, Kravitz?”

He hadn’t realized that Taako had been waiting for permission. “Yes. Tell me what you’re doing.”

“I’m pushing my shorts down past my knees, and my underwear, and - ah! - I don’t normally get this worked up before I start. I’m dripping, Kravitz, you made me so wet. What would you be doing, if you were here?”

“Use my mouth, if you’d let me.”

“There’s a lot I’d let you do to me, Kravitz. My pussy is your buffet. And what could I do for you?”

Kravitz pressed his hand over his eyes. Back in his own head. Taako wouldn’t judge him. “I want you to pull my hair and tell me - tell me I’m doing good.”

“Oh,” said Taako, with unexpected softness in his voice, and Kravitz’s face burned. “You’re good, Kravitz. I bet you eat pussy like an absolute champ. You’re so good at everything you do, so good for me.”

And that had Kravitz melting, curling up into a pathetic little ball on his bed with the stone of farspeech clutched in his hand. “Thank you, Taako.”

“You mentioned wanting me to fuck you? Tell me how you want it. Just so I know what to look forward to. You want it rough?”

“No, please, be gentle with me.”

“Of course. You’re precious, aren’t you? I’ll be gentle, I promise, I’ll make you feel good, you’re gonna be so good for me.”

Kravitz felt Taako pressing him down, fucking him gently, and  _ whimpered.  _

“Oh, I like that noise,” said Taako breathlessly. “I’m close. You hear what you do to me?”

“Yes, Taako, I hear you. I want to hear you come.”

“Your wish is my command,” said Taako, and then all Kravitz could hear was Taako’s breathing as it quickened, and Taako was whimpering  _ Kravitz  _ and  _ please.  _ Then there was silence.

“Shit,” Taako breathed. “That was good.”

“Uh. Yeah. I’m glad. For me, too.”

“I lied earlier,” said Taako. “I’m actually wearing sweatpants. But I promise I wouldn’t have taken off my cute underwear if I’d known this was going to go this well.”

Kravitz flopped onto his back and started laughing.

“Not a dealbreaker? You’ll still call me tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, Taako, I’ll call you.”

\--

Eighteen hours later, the night was young. The streaks of red and purple had only just disappeared from the sky. Kravitz was slumped against the wall of the castle, in a perfect place to watch the sunset, but not tonight. His hands were bound behind his back and half a dozen hooded figures were looming over him. Not great.

The last thing he’d managed to do was hit redial on his stone of farspeech and choke out  _ backup. west wall.  _

“How do we get in?”

Kravitz’s hands clenched around nothing. He had to stall. Lup and Barry would come for him soon enough. 

“I cast Zone of Truth,” another necromancer said. 

A bluish haze settled over Kravitz’s mind. Familiar. He thought back to the F-11 form, the strategies he’d brainstormed. 

“The Raven Queen’s guard fails a wisdom saving throw! Pathetic. Now, tell us: how do we get in?”

Kravitz flashed a charming, sharp-toothed smile. “Oh, you’ll have to open up first.”

“What? What are you  _ talking  _ about?”

“You know. Reciprocal vulnerability.”

Someone slapped him. He just needed to wait for Lup and Barry. The spell pulled words from his tongue like endless colorful scarves from a magician’s sleeve. 

“Yeah, people are really more inclined to let you in if you let them in first.”

“How do we get in  _ to the castle?” _

“You could get a job. I hear the kitchen is hiring. And honestly we could always use more guards. Or you could get arrested and end up in the dungeon. Then you’d be in the castle.”

Then there was a sound like reality being sucked open, and dozens of writhing tendrils burst out of the street and wrapped around his attackers, hoisting them squirming into the air. 

Kravitz relaxed, looking around for Lup and Barry.

“Well, that wasn’t the call I was  _ hoping  _ to get from you.” Taako, shirt hanging off one shoulder, stepped around the forest of tentacles.

“Shit.” Until very recently, the only people he’d ever called were Lup and Barry. But as of last night that was no longer the case. “Sorry. You’re. Uh. Not the person I meant to call. But thank you.” 

Taako looked back towards his new prisoners. “Do we care about them?”

“No. If you untie me, I can call for backup for real. And we could pretend I’d waited until I got off work to call you like I’d planned to.”

“Oooo. I  _ could  _ untie you.” Taako advanced until Kravitz could smell his flowery perfume. 

“Hey!” shouted one of the people kicking ineffectually at their bonds. 

Taako didn’t even look around. He flicked his wand and the shouting stopped. Kravitz’s heart sped up at the easy display of magic, and he counted himself lucky that Taako hadn’t tried to resist arrest the first time they’d met.

Here was a very powerful, very attractive wizard, and Kravitz’s hands were bound behind his back. He found he trusted Taako enough to find this just on the fun side of scary. 

Taako picked up Kravitz’s stone of farspeech off the pavement and called Lup. “Hey, yeah, it’s Taako. I got your boy Kravitz outside the west wall of the palace. Yeah, there was a situation. I think there are… necromancers? Judging by their outfits? I guess black doesn’t look good on everyone after all.”

The rope around Kravitz’s hands disintegrated with a flick of Taako’s wrist, and Kravitz got unsteadily to his feet. 

“Is this a good time for me to hit on you, or should I hold off?” said Taako. “Because that armor is  _ very  _ dashing.”

Kravitz looked between Taako and the necromancers, who had given up on struggling and were now just looking unhappy, held up by black tentacles. “Only if I’m allowed to hit on you back.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading! hit me up on tumblr @bellafarallones im always down to talk taz


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